the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
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[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.