I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
Just why bro?!
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….