In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
You Might Also Like
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Software Development ⛵️
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.