I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
Lol
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁