Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
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If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Should I ever become president everyone who uses the word “bae” will be sterilized.
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
idk flipping houses looks really hard
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.