I am yelling
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[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.