I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
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Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
how was your vacation
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known