“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
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Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
[date night]
*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*Let’s do this.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.