Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
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how was your vacation
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
USA to Russia: “We’re imposing sanctions on you!! But please still allow us on your Soyuz so we can reach our Space Station”
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
u spoke cat all this time??????
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet