the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.