“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
You Might Also Like
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.