You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
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My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
pilot: we’re about to crash
passengers: OMG
pilot: this wedding
passengers: phew
pilot: cause we’re gonna run into this church
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.