People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
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The Indian restaurant I work for is so secretive I had to sign a legal agreement that I wouldn’t share the flatbread recipe
Just their standard naan disclosure agreement
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.