him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
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*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Therapist: I think you both suffer from Münchausen syndrome
Hansel and Gretel: [mouths full of gingerbread and gumdrops] why?
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Cashier: Your total is $2,967.
Me: Okay. Please take off the greeting card.
Cashier: Your total is now $7.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Every work call, he judges.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!