I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
You Might Also Like
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.