I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
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I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Moderator: your word is “impatient”
Sloth: can you use it
Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
Sloth: in a
Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
Sloth: oh great thank you
Moderator: what the
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.