Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
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[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
life finds a way
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this