If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
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Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
sensitive skin
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.