“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
You Might Also Like
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.