Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
You Might Also Like
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
Born to be mild.
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon: