Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate