who did the taste test?
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Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?