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HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.