After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
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[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Every jogger is running towards cake or away from kale.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?