I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
You Might Also Like
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds