Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
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As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.