Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
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Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
My love language is deader than Latin
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.