I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME