MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
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<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression