[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
You Might Also Like
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.