I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
You Might Also Like
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt