Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
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I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
lmao
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.