*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
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[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
gentlemen, hear me out
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.