My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
A fake ID that makes you younger
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.