Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
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still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
[February 12]
Henry VIII: jeez walmart is out of cards, flowers and chocolate. She’s going to kill me! Unless…
[February 13]
beheads wife
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
Labreador
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.