HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
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This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
Beware of the “party goblin”…
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter