“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really