My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
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I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes