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children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Jesus: I don’t wanna stay with Mary and Joseph this weekend
God: you know the deal, you can live here with me but Christmas & Easter you stay with them
Jesus: Christmas and what?
God: what
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly