*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
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You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
friend: you’re pregnant! do you know what you’re having?
wife: we think it’s-
me: snakes. we think it’s snakes
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough