[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
My teenage children choosing violence
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”