I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
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My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
Baller is short for ballerina
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.