Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
You Might Also Like
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.