[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
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Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
May never get over this
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.