yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger