Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
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ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
how to market bottled water to dads
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
Beef jerky is great for when you want a healthy, hearty snack and you hate twenty dollars
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less