Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
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*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock