If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
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I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Perfect.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
and this one
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.