I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
The French cow says MEUX…
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine