We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
You Might Also Like
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
I keep a table cloth napkin and goggles under my bed in case someone beaks in and want to have a pie eating contest.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.